The Best Cruise Ever?

Imagine this--basking in the sun, sipping margaritas, relaxing on the deck of a giant cruise ship sailing through the tropics, all the while listening to the sounds of...3 Doors Down and Lifehouse?

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

VH1 is doing just that--under the title of "Best Cruise Ever." Seriously? THAT is the best cruise ever? If it was, say, all four original Beatles, The Who, The Band and U2 playing for a week on a completely comped cruise line with bottomless food and drinks and make out sessions with Zooey Deschanel and Christina Hendricks, now THAT would be the best cruise ever. But since that's never going to happen, might I suggest some other star-studded vacation options?

SCOTT STAPP'S MATTERHORN TOBOGGAN RUN

Can you imagine making a killer run through the Alps down a snow-capped mountainside, sitting tandem with Creed's lead-singer, dodging Yeti's as he croons "With Arms Wide Open" right into your ear? There are multiple Yeti's up there, right?...Wait, Disneyland lied?

NINE INCH NAILS NIGHTMARE CATACOMB ADVENTURE

Who better to traverse the rat-infested, pitch-black Paris underworld than Hole-Headed lead NINer Trent Reznor? You can search through mounds of skulls as his black industrial music pounds in the background, an ever present reminder than your bones could be added to the pile at anytime.

ROBERT SMITH'S FRIDAY I'M IN LOVE GOTHIC GONDOLA ADVENTURE

Fly on over to Venice for this end-of-the-week canal tour with The Cure! Romance is in the air as young lovers in black velvet and full-on mascara cuddle together as Smith personally rows them 3 1/2 miles and serenades them with two a capella favorites from either the album "Wish" or "Disintegration." You'll never feel so good feeling so bad!

MICHAEL STIPE'S CENTRAL PARK BIKE RIDE OF SEXUAL CONFUSION

Join R.E.M. front man Stipe on a tandem bicycle in New York City's famous natural historic landmark. You'll discuss the quixotic nature of sexual-preference labels and societal pressure for normality, and if you peddle slow enough, the impetus of songs like "Shiny Happy People" and "New Test Leper." Every participant receives a mix tape of Stipe's favorite Vic Chesnutt songs.

MENUDO'S MENUDO CULINARY SEMINAR

Who can resist making a batch of the famously disgusting soup/hang-over cure with Mexico's renowned boy band? They'll sing "Subete A Mi Moto" as they teach you how to prepare the tripe and properly spice the thick traditional broth. Free pair of Lycra stretch pants to whomever excels the most at the preparation. YUM!

EAT A BAG OF BEEF JERKY WITH KEITH RICHARDS

...it's pretty self-explanatory.

FRENTE'S STUDIO APARTMENT TOUR

Don't miss this exciting chance to tour the small flat shared by the members of Australian one-hit-wonder Frente! They'll entertain you with stories of how they got the rights to cover New Order's "Bizarre Love Triangle" and then ask you for whatever change you can spare. You'll also receive a FREE Frente coaster set (it's four CD copies of "Marvin: The Album.")

LONG ISLAND BUMPER CAR BASH WITH BILLY JOEL

You'll spend a cr-a-zy afternoon with the piano man himself at an amusement park bumper car rink, trading bumps and stories about the making of "Glass Houses." Better beware--Billy's more than adept at smashing cars!

CHUMBAWUMBA CHUG-A-BUNCHA PUB TOUR

You may get knocked down, but you'll get up again to throw-back pints with the Burnley band. You'll start on foot at their favorite English speakeasy where you'll be treated to a whisky drink, then a vodka drink, then a lager drink, then a cider drink, as you make your way from bar to bar, singing songs that remind you of the good times.

GOOD TIMES!