Friday, August 27, 2010

A change is coming! New home at colestratton.com!



To my faithful Riverbottom Nightmare Blog readers,

Things are changing, but for the better! I've finally gone and made my own website--colestratton.com! It's a good hub for all my projectes, live shows, dumb audio covers and silly photoshop projects--and it will also be the new home of this blog! So please head on over to the new website and take a look around!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I'm the guest on Ep 140 of Jordan Jesse Go!


I was honored to be a guest on Jesse Thorn and Jordan Morris' fantastic podcast, Jordan Jesse Go. It's available now on iTunes and on maximumfun.org.

Episode description:

Cole Stratton from the Pop My Culture Podcast joins Jesse and Jordan to discuss secret sex parties, Calgary, Alberta, and the next bit twitter star.


http://tinyurl.com/269ksqn

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Pop My Culture Podcast Ep 16: Michael Hitchcock!



Now available!

PMC 16: Michael Hitchcock

Cole, Vanessa and master improviser Michael Hitchcock (“Waiting for Guffman,” “Best in Show”) talk Celebrity Rehab, working with Christopher Guest, having a “jacuzze,” The Room, McRibs, Troll 2, The Groundlings, watching extras, Glee, sailor uniforms, Party of Five, the Turtle Man, Judge Judy, childhood marionettes, Flash Mountain, House Arrest, and Michael’s startling discovery on Google.

LISTEN on our website
and
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and please rate it and leave a nice comment to help us get featured!

Friday, July 16, 2010

Pop My Culture Podcast Ep 15: Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett!




Now available!

Cole, Vanessa and movie riffing royalty Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett (“Mystery Science Theater 3000,” RiffTrax.com) talk The Dark Knight, slave Leias, casting The Hulk, helicopter flicks, Tom Waits and Shania Twain mashups, the demise of Blockbuster, favorite Road House lines, unusual Halloween costumes, Fat Mama, spirit gum, Tron guy, sad vuvuzelas, Mannequin II: On the Move, baby legs, Dr. Parnassus, Adam West’s goon, and what—WHAT—Mel Gibson.

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Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Now available! RiffTrax Presents THE LOST BOYS with Janet Varney and ME!


Now available!

Click here to check it out!

Let’s get one thing straight: Vampires don’t sparkle in the sun; they burst into flame. Yes, they sleep all day, party all night, wear dangly earrings, ride motorbikes on the boardwalk and enjoy concerts by long-haired shirtless greasy saxophone players, but they JUST. DO. NOT. SPARKLE.

Joel “Can we please stop talking about how I put nipples on the Batsuit?” Schumacher’s 1987 teen vamp flick The Lost Boys is everything Twilight wishes it could be and then some. SWOON over pretty boy Michael (Jason Patric) and his vamp nemesis David (Kiefer Sutherland, peroxided beyond recognition)! LAUGH at those wacky comic-book collecting vamp hunters The Frog Brothers (Corey Feldman, who probably doesn’t remember making this movie, and Jamison Newlander, who probably doesn’t get remembered for making this movie)! SCREAM at Corey Haim’s horribly dated wardrobe! And SIGH wondering why Dianne Wiest and Edward Herrmann signed on to be in this thing. Oh…and… something about Jami Gertz.

Returning to the RiffTrax booth are Cole Stratton (who seriously loves this movie) and Janet Varney (who seriously loves that Cole seriously loves this movie). They hope you’ll give it a download…since they have so much at STAKE. Get it? Stake?*

*Janet Varney wishes that it be known that she strongly disapproves of that last joke and that Cole takes full responsibility for it.**

** Cole Stratton is wearing sunglasses indoors and thinks it’s hilarious.





Thursday, July 8, 2010

Pop My Culture Podcast Ep 14: Simon Helberg!



Now available!

Cole, Vanessa and their favorite television physics nerd Simon Helberg (“The Big Bang Theory,” “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog”) talk Emmy snubs, a 3D Captain Ron remake, Tony Shalhoub, the Dr. Horrible sequel, wet underwear, Comic-Con, the Real Housewives, weird heart attack commercials, Hong Kong Phooey, owning physical CDs, the end of the internet, The TV Set, dainty Hobbit-like Prince, James Earl Jones’ REAL voice, LA Theatreworks, and Cole’s unwavering admiration for Alex Wong.

LISTEN on our website
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Friday, July 2, 2010

Pop My Culture Podcast Ep 13: Matthew Lillard!



Now available!

Cole, Vanessa and the incredibly tall and equally hilarious Matthew Lillard (“Scream,” “Scooby-Doo”) talk the state of the film industry, merkins, Joan Rivers, Phantom vs. Les Mis, Hackers, Kenny Rogers, writing soup letters, Joan Embry internships, the upcoming Scream sequel, scary movies, the Human Centipede, Madisonsfoundation.org, writing a surf musical, and Cole and Matthew’s Shaggy-off.

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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Pop My Culture Podcast Ep 12: Cristine Rose!


Now available!

Cole, Vanessa and television staple Cristine Rose (“Heroes,” “How I Met Your Mother”) talk sweaty glows, Angela Petrelli, So You Think You Can Dance, the writers strike, Pushing Daisies, Maggie Smith, playing Jackie Kennedy, Picket Fences, Toy Story 3, the Ferris Bueller TV show, ghost cops, disco, Ishtar, Todd Oldham, The Biggest Loser, Hoot hooting, Klingon makeup, and the loss of Mary Murphy’s hot tomale train.

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and
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and please rate it and leave a nice comment to help us get featured!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Pop My Culture Podcast Ep 11: Oscar Nunez & Danny Pudi!


Now available!

PMC 11: Oscar Nunez & Danny Pudi (Live from the RoofTop Comedy Festival in Aspen, Colorado)

Cole, Vanessa and TWO amazing guests–Oscar Nunez (“The Office”) and Danny Pudi (“Community”) chat in front of a live audience in Aspen, Colorado about Stephen Seagal, Willow, paintball specialists, groping, Galarraga’s perfect game, Donald Glover for Spiderman, velvet improvisers, Jaden Smith, proud prominent noses, missing q-tips, gypsy Burt Reynolds, and things that are shit hot.

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Thursday, June 10, 2010

Pop My Culture Podcast Ep 10: Mo Collins!



Now available!

Cole, Vanessa and sketch pro Mo Collins (“MadTv,” “Arrested Development”) talk podcasting crickets, Sandy Bullock, skit vs. sketch, Parenthood, unusual awards, Carol Burnett, the Strawberry Shortcake doll smell, teenage bands, sparkly vampires and zombies, odd fetishes, Lorrainisms, Betty White, popsicle stick jokes, Bazooka Joe comics, and boxes full of poop.

LISTEN on our website

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and please rate it and leave a nice comment to help us get featured!

Monday, May 31, 2010

Pop My Culture Podcast Ep 09: Linda Cardellini!



Now available!

Pop My Culture Podcast Ep 09: Linda Cardellini

Cole, Vanessa and adorable Linda Cardellini (“Freaks and Geeks,” “E.R.”) talk jeggings, Bieber Fever, Ewe Tube, sex tapes, the American Idol finale, Nancy Grace, Bret Michaels, Top Chef Masters, satellite radio, Snapitude, unicorns, Precious, Scooby Doo, the Burger King from Back to the Future, and the importance of Dead Man On Campus’ Guy #2.

LISTEN on our website

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and please rate it and leave a nice comment to help us get featured!

Enjoy!

Friday, May 21, 2010

Pop My Culture Podcast Ep 08: Paul F. Tompkins!



Now available!

Cole, Vanessa and hilarious gentleman comic Paul F. Tompkins (“Best Week Ever,” “Mr. Show with Bob and David”) talk tattoos, twitter wars, Kid Nation, Law & Order, riverboat gamblers, Lindsay Lohan, There Will Be Blood, flippers, The Pacific, invisible sound guys, Morgan Spurlock Food Detective, Treme, The Philly Fanatic, broadcasting in a leafblower, and what the Shrek just happened.

LISTEN on our website

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Enjoy!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Pop My Culture Podcast Ep 07: Keith Coogan!


Now available!

Cole, Vanessa and 80s/90s teen flick icon Keith Coogan (“Adventures in Babysitting,” “Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead”) talk weepy Disney films, Iron Man 2, meta filmmaking, Hiding Out’s pedophilia, Canadian child doubles, The Waltons, Just the Ten of Us, the Monologue a Day Project, John Cusack’s fascination with Cassiopeia, stripping babysitters, 6th grade rock bands and brownie thieves.

LISTEN on our website

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Enjoy!

*and on a personal note--this one was a serious THRILL for me--Coogan has starred in several of my favorite movies growing up, and I always considered myself a fan. Super honored he guested on my podcast!

Monday, May 3, 2010

That's Celebutainment! Part V!

Time for some more news in the world of celebrity gossip!*

RECORD EXECUTIVES: "LEE DEWYZE IS POISED TO MAKE SHITTY MUSIC!"
With his extensive collection of flannel shirts, frat-boy date-rapey looks and ability to Nickelback the crap out of any song, American Idol contestant Lee Dewyze has several major label record executives salivating. "He's just what we've been looking for," said Gavin Caulksucker, talent scout for Sell-Out Records. "He's ready now to perform some horrible ballad written by committee that starts out really slow but then gets heavier allowing him to over-emote with those sandpaper vocals of his. I, for one, can't wait to slap an Ed Hardy shirt and a couple of earrings on him." Dewyze was unavailable for comment, as he is currently busy aww-shucks'in with his shoulders and his hands in his pockets.

SUDDEN MATERIALIZATION BY COORS LIGHT SILVER BULLET TRAIN KILLS 30
Disaster struck a crowded downtown Phoenix, AZ street yesterday afternoon when the Coors Light Silver Bullet Train suddenly appeared, killing thirty and sending dozens of injured pedestrians to intensive care. "It was terrible. Just terrible!," said Gina Tompson, who witnessed the whole thing from her break room window. "I can't hear that goddamn O'Jays song without crying." Police have taken Frank Rozanski, a 32-year-old painter, into custody after he drew a tunnel on the side of a building. "It gets really, really hot in Arizona," said Rozanski, clearly shaken. "I just wanted to give everyone something cool to drink. I guess I should have just bought a case of beer or something at the store. I never imagined I'd unleash this kind of horror."


FAMILY CIRCUS' BILLY ADDICTED TO GRAND THEFT AUTO
Lovable little quizzical scamp Billy, longtime child of beloved comic strip Family Circus, admitted in an exclusive interview to Comics Child BiWeekly that he can't get enough of the Playstation classic video game Grand Theft Auto. "Look, I might not look like I've gotten any older, but I have, ok? I'm like Benjamin Button, or the opposite of that Robin Williams guy Jack," said Billy. "GTA is fuckin' hilarious. I can steal shit, beat up hookers, whatever. It's SO much better than hanging out with that little shit P.J." Billy also told the publication that he can totally see the ghosts of his grandparents walking around the house, but disliked them when they were alive, so he never says anything.

KE$HA ASKS THAT ALL ESSES BE REPLACED WITH DOLLAR SIGNS
Pop savant Ke$ha has requested that the letter "S" be substituted with her beloved '$' in all future correspondence written to or about her. "It'$ my thing, ok?" said Ke$ha, sipping from a dangling rubber straw from a beer hat. "$o, if you want to a$k me $omething, you are going to have to ob$erve what I want, ok? $urely you under$stand that, unle$$ you are from Mi$$i$$ippi or $omething. $hee$h!" As of press time, her music still $uck$.

CHLOE O'BRIAN TO GET OWN SPIN-OFF
24's computer genius Chloe O'Brian isn't done yet--after the show wraps up its eighth and final season, she'll get her own daytime talk show, tentatively titled Harumph! with Chloe O'Brian. "Basically, I'll get to interview whomever I want, but most likely whatever they say will irritate me," said O'Brian, furrowing her brow and crossing her arms. "Then I'll go behind their backs if I need to, 'cuz everybody is just an idiot. I mean, gosh!" The show will also include a segment in which Jack Bauer will call in and test her loyalty.

ALIENS TO STEPHEN HAWKING: "CHILL THE FUCK OUT!"
After genius physicist Stephen Hawking released a statement warning of the dangers of communication with extraterrestrial lifeforces, Refelfluxigravelflux, spokesman for the planet Radon 5, countered with a message of their own. "Yo, Hawks, overreacting a bit much, aren't we?" said Refelfluxigravelflux. "That's a load of Graffelbarg crap, and you know it. We don't want your shitty little blue planet, we've got problems of our own. Everyone here is obsessed with Bustin Jieber, who makes music that sounds not unlike that of your Justin Bieber. It's fucking up our Rettiwt feeds, constantly trending. So relax." Refelfluxigravelflux did promise, however, that if his race was to visit our planet, they would "explore the shit out of our anuses."

CHRISTIAN BALE'S HOUSE IS METHOD
Bale, star of the Batman reboots and Terminator Salvation, moved into a new home last week, which he describes as "super serious." "Look, it's the truest, most authentic house there is," said Bale, scowling into a mirror. "I don't let it open its doors unless it feels it. Ditto on the windows." Bale recently sold his Beverly Hills mansion after a disagreement. "I loved you, house, once, but you and me, home, we're done, professionally," he told it, storming out for the last time.

SHAKIRA'S HIPS CAUGHT IN LIE
Super hot singer Shakira's hips may face jail time after lying under oath on the witness stand yesterday in a Los Angeles county courthouse. Details on the case are not being disclosed at this time, but it is believed that her pelvis is a witness in a crime involving stolen booty.


AREA MAN FORCED TO KICK OWN ASS AFTER REFERENCING FAMILY GUY
23-year-old Forrest Landingham gave himself a good beating outside a Kalamazoo, MI bar Monday night after asking his buddies if "they had seen that one episode of Family Guy." "I couldn't believe the words were coming out of my own mouth," said Landingham, "We were talking about, I dunno, Richard Simmons or something, and it reminded me of this one thing that Stewie said, and before I knew it, I was referencing it, and I swear to God, you could hear a record needle scratch sound and everyone stopped talking in the bar. Before anybody else could do it, I took myself outside and slapped me around." Landingham swears he'll stop watching the show before he murders himself.

JUSTIN BIEBER PUTS OWN POSTER ON WALL
Tween sensation Justin Bieber taped an 11 x 17 Tiger Beat pull out of himself to his bedroom wall, then spent the afternoon laying on his bed and staring into his own eyes. "Man, I am so dreamy!," said Bieber, "I think I'll get some glitter markers tomorrow and adorn myself with hearts. Oh shit, I heart me so much!" Bieber's weekend plans include hoodie shopping and getting an androgynous haircut.

*this is all fakity fake fake, so don't get upset, celebutants!

Friday, April 30, 2010

Pop My Culture Podcast Ep 06: Mather Zickel!



Now available!

Pop My Culture Podcast Ep 06: Mather Zickel

Cole, Vanessa and the handsome, hilarious Mather Zickel (“Rachel Getting Married,” “Reno 911!”) talk Dungeons & Dragons, Bubo, the Smurfs Movie, anal media, heavenly bunk-beds, Critters 2, 3D, Joe Estevez, Roger Corman, the Janekasaurus, and Mather’s set-lifted wardrobe.

LISTEN on our website

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Enjoy!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Pop My Culture Podcast Ep 05: Chris Hardwick!



Now available!

Pop My Culture Podcast Ep 05: Chris Hardwick

Cole, Vanessa and our favorite Nerdist Chris Hardwick (“Web Soup,” “Singled Out”) talk Tron, the iPad, remaking Fletch, the Disney Vault, getting naked for Steven Seagal, Lode Runner, Hufflepuff, foul-mouthed kids, Dave Coulier, the Hollywood Squares, demeaning commercial auditions and a super-extreme version of Apple Care.

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Enjoy!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

They just don't make 'em like that anymore...


As a life-long cinema enthusiast, there's nothing I like better than discussing (or heatedly arguing about) movies--whether its defending a widely-snubbed film, gushing about a classic, trashing a brainless blockbuster, or bringing attention to an over-looked gem.

Film criticism is a tough occupation--especially one you can actually scratch out a living doing. With Internet bloggers willing to write up reviews for free (in exchange for the screening pass), and lots of moviegoers trusting quick little viral paragraphs or reviews as simple as "It kicks ass!" or "Sucks the big one!," it seems the era of thoughtful, well-written criticism may be heading the way of the VHS tape or the physical on-site video store.

I was disheartened to hear about the cancellation of At The Movies, the weekly half-hour review show, now hosted by A.O. Scott of The New York Times and Michael Phillips of the Chicago Tribune. They are staying on-board 'til August, then it seems that the long-standing program will leave the airwaves. A real shame--it's been around in different incarnations since the early 1980s, where it started with arguably the most beloved and influential of all film critics--Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert.

Siskel and Ebert, and their iconic balcony (which, instead of ending up in the Smithsonian, was just broken down and tossed into the trash), offered up some incredibly smart, funny and level-headed criticism. They were accessible, strongly opinionated, and fair. I may not have always agreed with them (see some of the links below), but I always respected what they had to say. What really came across was their incredible love for film, and their enthusiasm was contagious. I owe them a HUGE thank you--because of their inspiration, I dabbled in film reviews at an early age, writing a review for the Wherehouse video chain's in-store magazine of The Lost Boys, which was published and earned me a free prize (which ended up being a Pirates of Dark Water kite...I was hoping for an MGM coffee mug or something less kiddy). I was fourteen at the time, and I soon brought my love for movies to The Davis Enterprise, a daily newspaper where I was interning after school. I was eventually put in charge of co-ordinating a bi-weekly Sunday edition page called "Youth Beat," where we profiled outstanding young people in the community. The other big feature on the page were my movie reviews--where for two or so years I had hundreds of by-lines, simply writing about what I loved the most. Although I didn't end up pursuing a job in journalism or film criticism, I always kept that critical eye and unbridled enthusiasm for cinema, which is probably pretty evident from the bulk of my blog posts.

When we lost Siskel in 1999, the show went through a rough period of guest hosts who could never quite fill his chair. Ebert soldiered on, bantering with the likes of critics like Elvis Mitchell, Joel Siegel, Lisa Schwarzbaum, Kenneth Turan, and even crazy Bay Area personality Jan Wahl, who rates films by a number of "hats." Acclaimed directors such as Martin Scorsese, Peter Bogdanovich and Kevin Smith also filled in. Eventually, Richard Roeper of The Chicago Sun-Times became the go-to guy, and Ebert & Roeper was born. A few years later, Ebert was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, and had to leave the show. Roeper continued the guest critic rotation, then announced he was leaving the show in 2008 after a contractual dispute. They foolishly revamped the show, trying to draw in a younger audience with new hosts Ben Lyons and Ben Mankiewicz. They introduced an awkward Critics Roundtable segment, and seemed to try to switch things up weekly. Lyons seemed to always like everything, drawing the ire of a lot of long-time viewers who resisted the changes. Thankfully, that experiment drew to a close, and Scott and Phillips took over.

With At The Movies heading off the air, one can only hope that the website, atthemoviestv.com, stays active, as they have archived thousands of video reviews. I spent hours last night watching tons of old Siskel and Ebert clips, enthralled by their child-like enthusiasm for all things cinema. I can't embed the reviews, but here are links to some reviews I particularly enjoyed. Watch a few, reminisce, and go to their website and pull up a few of your favorites. Until then...the balcony is closed.

(Two thumbs up...and Siskel's pronunciation of "Frank Darabont" is adorable)

(A mixed review....Ebert has it out for the dumb LAPD!)

(Raves for Holly Hunter!)

(Two thumbs down...for one of my favorite comedies!)

(My all time favorite movie...and nice words for young Max Pomeranc!)

(High praise for Tarantino's originality!)

(Lots of disdain for the ridiculous premise!)

(Cameron's directors cut...and praise for Laser Discs!)

(Ebert loves the weird supporting characters...and adores "Wally" Shawn!)

(Product placement be damned!)

(Boy...why must submarines be so ugly?)

(Praise all around for Kevin Kline and co!)

(A nice review for Eastwood's underrated gem, with some great thoughts on "what is violence")

(A diamond in the body-switching rough!)

Oh, and twitter friends--follow Roger Ebert! (@ebertchicago), and At the Movies (@atthemoviestv)!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Now available! RiffTrax Presents POLTERGEIST with Janet Varney and ME!


NOW AVAILABLE!


Click here to check it out!

pol·ter·geist [ pølter geíst ] (plural pol·ter·geists) [Mid-19th century <>

Definition:

1) noisy spirit: a supposed supernatural spirit that reveals its presence by creating disturbances, e.g. by knocking over objects

2) 1982 Tobe Hooper-directed/Steven Spielberg-produced supernatural tale in which the Freeling Family deals with some seriously messed up/crappily-rendered spirits that ghost-nap their young daughter Carol Anne, who communicates with them through a television set (unlike text messaging, which is all the rage with the kids nowadays). A pre-Coach Craig T. Nelson and a pre-, um, Poltergeist JoBeth Williams star alongside Beatrice “I got an Oscar for a 5-min and 40 second performance” Straight, a creepy bedside clown, a ravenous tree, buckets and buckets of Star Wars product placement, and everyone’s favorite lil’ clairvoyant, Zelda Rubinstein. Running towards the light to provide RiffTrax commentary are Janet Varney and Cole Stratton, who previously underwhelmed you with their RiffTrax Presents of Dirty Dancing, Ghost and Footloose. We promise it will be more entertaining than The Bounty Hunter (since everything is). Which dictionary did this definition come out of, anyway? Am I right, people?

Please DOWNLOAD the newly available track and leave some comments here or on the RiffTrax message board! Hope you enjoy it!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Maggots, Michael! You're eating maggots!


I've never been much of a fan of horror movies, but as a teenager I had a serious obsession with the Joel Schumacher vampire flick The Lost Boys. It was one of those beautiful mash-ups of a movie--combining dark humor, schlocky effects, eye-catching cinematography, a hip young cast, and a killer soundtrack (Echo and the Bunnymen covering The Doors, two INXS tracks, Roger Daltrey, Mummy Calls, Lou Gramm, and Tim Cappello, best remembered shirtless, with long greasy hair, wearing a snake and wailin' on a saxophone).

One track in particular really set the mood for the piece, playing over the opening titles, which streamed over a helicopter shot of the moon-soaked ocean, eventually settling on the Santa Carla (aka Santa Cruz) Boardwalk and Kiefer's motley crew of vamps. That song was Gerard McMann's Cry Little Sister (Theme From The Lost Boys).

Here, as a tribute to Michael, Star, David, Lucy, the Frog Brothers, Thorn the Helldog, cranky ol' grandpa, and Sam (RIP, Corey!) is my all-vocal cover of the track. Press play--and try not to have a death by stereo!

CRY LITTLE SISTER (THEME FROM THE LOST BOYS)
(VOCAL COVER BY COLE STRATTON)

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Pop My Culture Podcast Ep 04: Bobby Campo!


Now available!

Pop My Culture Podcast Ep 04: Bobby Campo

Cole, Vanessa, and the dream captain of Vanessa’s heart Bobby Campo (“Final Destination,” “Legally Blondes,” Vanessa’s Fantasies…) talk comics, horror movies, Teen Witch, more Teen Witch, Sookie’s Sexuality, Snow Caps, cougars, Lollapalooza, humiliating blue cat mascot outfits, Risk, and much more…and they did it all while trying to talk through the incredibly thick sexual tension that filled the room.

LISTEN on the official podcast website
and
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If you like what you hear, PLEASE rate it and comment on it on iTunes and help us get featured!

Friday, March 26, 2010

Pop My Culture Podcast Ep 03: Deanna Russo!

Now available!
Pop My Culture Podcast Ep 03: Deanna Russo

Cole, Vanessa and lovely, lovely, lovely guest Deanna Russo (“Knight Rider,” “Gossip Girl”) talk terrariums, Jesse James, Brotherhoodies, Cloris Leachman, fan K.I.T.T. creations, Carlton Cuse, the night of 140 Tweets, Breaking Bad, @ signs, making eye contact with Richard Simmons, horse appendages, verbal nodding, sounding smart, and Cole’s ridiculously literal t-shirt.

LISTEN
on the official podcast website at
and
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...and if you like what you hear, please leave a comment and rate it on iTunes, and/or leave a comment on the website. Thanks!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

That's Celebutainment! Part IV!

What's new in the world of fake celebrity gossip? Read and find out!*

GERARD BUTLER TO STAR IN EVERY MOVIE FROM NOW ON
Continuing a trend in multiplexes as of late, soccer hooligan/actor Gerard Butler will, from now on, have a starring role in every movie produced, everywhere. "I'm really lookin' forward to being everywhere ya look, laddie!" said Butler, pounding a Guinness and punching some guy in the face. Butler has asked that every script include a role for him in which a smart, career-oriented gal gives up everything to be with him.

QUENTIN TARANTINO TO EXCITEDLY SUGGEST YOU WATCH A FUCKIN' OBSCURE MOVIE
Hyper film-director/indie video store clerk Quentin Tarantino is in talks to corner you and talk up some films no one has any interest in. "Awwww, man, it's fuckin' amazing," will say Tarantino, "It's this Italian blaxploitation/grindhouse/neo-noir western. It's four hours, but, man, you will not be disappointed. Oh, and it's only on BetaMax, and you have to import it from Brazil." Tarantino also plans to wave his arms a lot, and wear a Kangol cap.

SPENCER PRATT TO BUY CASE OF ED HARDY WINE
Because he would, right?

KRISTEN STEWART ACCIDENTALLY SMILES, RUINS IMAGE
Twilight's Bella Swan, Kristen Stewart, was spotted smiling on a roller coaster at Disney's California Adventure Thursday afternoon. Clearly embarrassed, Stewart tried to compensate while exiting the ride, frowning and shouting "This is BULLSHIT, man. Just tired, useless, BULLSHIT." Stewart apologized to her "fans" and promised to "keep a shitty attitude from now on."


SILVERLAKE HIPSTERS ALREADY HATE NEW MGMT ALBUM
With the release of the sophomore album from indie music darlings MGMT less than a month away, ironic-mustached silverlake hipsters are already "over" them. Says one: "MGMT? Whatever. I was into them, like, five years ago, when I saw them open for No Age and they hadn't recorded anything yet." The hipsters plan on getting into some new shoegaze meets noise band that wear bandannas, but will secretly listen to Michael McDonald in their cars.

JOHN GLENN TO AUDITION FOR SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE
Jealous of fellow astronaut Buzz Aldrin's selection for the ABC dance staple Dancing With the Stars, American hero John Glenn has announced plans to audition for Fox's reality competition So You Think You Can Dance. "Man, I've walked on the moon, but I've never been on the Hot Tamale Train!" said Glenn, practicing the infamous park bench contemporary routine by Mia Michaels. Glenn also plans to work out a routine with perennial auditioner Sex.

GIZMO TIRED OF LIVING IN A BOX
Gizmo, adorable star of the two successful horror-comedies Gremlins, has grown tired of his less-than-glamorous accommodations. "Me no happy. Me want to moooooove," said Gizmo, at a press conference last Wednesday. In a related story, Gizmo was killed that same afternoon by all the paparazzi flash bulbs.

NICK NOLTE EATS OWN HAND
Haggard actor Nick Nolte accidentally gnawed off his own right hand Tuesday night, when he was eating a double double from In-N-Out and watching television. "I, uh, I was watchin' Jeopardy, and I was caught up in the Broadway Potpourri category, and I looked down and, boy, was my face red," said Nolte, cutting a hole in the wall of his bedroom so he "didn't have to walk as far to get to the bathroom."

MR. PEANUT ADMITS MONOCLE IS UNNECESSARY
Salty Planters spokesman Mr. Peanut revealed in an exclusive TMZ interview Friday that his iconic eye wear is just cosmetic. "Look, I'm a walking, talking peanut. My whole get-up is weird. Planters dress me like I'm in some sort of Fosse musical. My vision is fine. For a peanut, that is," he said. He also admitted that he's been trying to earn a medical degree, and is a few years away from becoming Dr. Peanut.

LADY GAGA TO TRY WEARING BUSINESS CASUAL
Pop princess and notorious fashion trendsetter Lady Gaga is toying with wearing something "regular, you know, like a pant suit" when she guests on Leno next week. "I mean, I'm not gonna waste some cool, weird new outfit on Jay fuckin' Leno," said Gaga, sipping from a giant waterslide-shaped straw coming out of a Cookie-Monster headdress.

JUSTIN BIEBER IN CRITICAL CONDITION AFTER TRENDING NEARLY TO DEATH
Teen hearthrob/"musician" Justin Bieber is one lucky lil' moptop after just surviving a slew of @mentions and hashtags on abused social-what-are-you-doing website Twitter. "I like, logged on, to, you know, just like, see whazzup, you know, and like, 140 characters times a billion tumbled onto me," said Bieber, making a kissy face and posing for a non-existent camera. "If it wasn't for #hottubtimemachine, I'd be dead right now."


MARY ELIZABETH MASTRANTONIO WONDERS WHERE THE HELL SHE'S BEEN, TOO
Once-beloved actress Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, star of successful 90's fare like Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and The Abyss, posted a query on Google answers last Wednesday, asking "Hey, what have I been up to? Have I been in anything lately? Seriously!" Mastrantonio was surprised to discover that she'd done nine episodes of Without A Trace semi-recently, and vowed to be available "in case they ever do a sequel to The January Man."

*none of this is real, just fun. So relax, celebrities!