MASCOTS ARE STUPID.
Sure, they can be fun for families with small kids, but most of the time, they are distracting from the game going on at hand. For everyone fun iconic one like the San Diego Chicken, there are a dozen like the ones I am listing below. Odd, weird, inappropriate or just plain dumb mascots--and all of these are real. Take, for example:
Western Kentucky Hilltoppers
You've probably seen him on the ESPN commercials, and maybe he's won you over with his pizazz, but in reality, he's a giant red blob that runs rampant on the sidelines. He's like Grimace, but with a terrible rash.
Rhode Island School of Design Nads
Yeah...this is real. You've got to have one helluva backbone to don a giant dick suit, especially one that EXPOSES YOUR FACE. Though I bet it would be fun to see the look on the clerk's face when you take it in to the dry cleaners (lots of 'Permanent Press' jokes come to mind).
It's a super odd choice to represent your school--watch out, rivals, 'cuz you are about to take on land-owning free members of the working class!
Whittier University Poets
Nothing quite strikes fear into your opponents than the thought of all that iambic pentameter coming at you in the fourth quarter!
Trinity Christian College Trolls
Fi fie fo fum, I smell the blood of a mascot dumb! Though does have a competitive advantage in games played under bridges.
Syracuse University Orangemen
"Otto the Orange"
So your mascot is a citrus fruit with a German name. Das ist dumm.
Standford University Cardinals
From what I understand, the mascot technically belongs to their band. Though after M. Night Shyamalamadingdong's The Happening, the tree is a little scarier than it used to be. Gets the award for the cheapest looking of all mascot costumes.
Ok, I get it, if your University is named after a hat it seems logical. Still, at least be MAD hatters so you will seem unpredictable to your opponents.
The Tampa Bay Rays
Like a scary refugee from a third-world Chucky Cheese, Raymond serves only to creep out fans in Florida. What the hell IS he, anyway?
Delta State University Fighting Okra
Yes, fighting OKRA. A boxing-gloved vegetable, forced down the throats of children everywhere who don't want to eat him!
Fort Wayne Mad Ants
Truly the pest of the mascot world, it would only be impressive if he could carry the whole team on his back. Literally. I mean, ants are supposed to be able to lift 10-50 times their own body weight, right?
Grays Harbor College Chokers
Named after tree-cleaning settlers, chokers are truly brave, tough individuals. But in sports, if you name your team CHOKERS it's just not going to end well on the score sheet.
Evergreen State College Geoducks
Or "Gooey Ducks," as they are referred to, these slimy mollusks are a bizarre choice for a mascot. Plus, the costume is downright creepy, looking a bit like frosted sugar cookies with a pickle in between them.
Presbyterian College Blue Hose
Ok, ok, so the picture is wrong...they are actually named after a stocking-clad Scotsman. Still, weird sounding choice.
University of Santa Cruz Banana Slugs
Ah, yes, UC Santa Cruz and their mascot, the Banana Slug, who's Latin name A. Dolichyphallus translates as "giant penis." I'm not kidding--Banana Slug members are nearly their entire body length. Maybe they should face off against Rhode Island and Scrotie.
Austin Peay State Governors
Watch out--they may veto that last minute shot you were thinking of hoisting at the buzzer.
Scottsdale Community College Fighting Artichokes
They'll be in serious trouble if they play the Sacramento Shallot-Thyme Drawn Butterers or the Western Washington Mustard-Worcestershire Sauce.
If you have any other weird mascots to share, kindly wax about them in the comments.