7:30 am: Pick up JV at her palatial estate. See what else she has recently gotten gold-plated. Show her new Speidel watch with the twistoflex band and say "Ahh? Ahh???"
8:05 am: First gas-up of the day. Buy snacks. Me: Mountain Dew, Watermelon Airheads, Pack of '86 Donruss USA Baseball Cards (for the gum), Gummy Beverly D'Angelos, So-Cool-They've-Ceased-To-Be-Cool-Long-Enough-To-Once-Again-Be-Cool Ranch Doritos. Her: Bottled water, turkey jerky.
8:20 am: Merge onto I-5 North.
9:15 am: Finish merge.
9:47 am: Drive up into the grapevine. Constantly query, "Don't you know that I heard it through here?" Be reminded of the California Raisins, sigh wistfully talking about Will Vinton animation.
10:25 am: Six degrees of Kevin Bacon. Nearly destroy the universe connecting Isaac Newton with Freddie Prinze, Jr.
10:40 am: Slug bug! (Not the car, an actual slug that had crawled inside my jean jacket. Get it off of me! Get it off!...not the slug, the jean jacket! This isn't 1986!)
11:17 am: Bathroom stop. Mountain Dew happy to return to urinal where it is bottled.
12:24 pm: Lunch stop in luxurious Kettleman City, CA. Remark on how wonderful it must be to be a Kettle Man, going door to door, city to city, just selling those lovely kettles. Tea must always be on somewhere. Order through the In-N-Out drive thru, off the menu--ask for a "Punxsutawney Phil, Double Flipped Animal Style with Flair." Be served a boot covered in Thousand Island.
12:52 pm: Back on the road. Ultra serious sing-a-long to the entire catalog of Bruce Hornsby and the Range. Wonder if The Range ever put out albums sans Hornsby.
1:31 pm: Twenty minute game of "Holy shit, DO NOT smell anything right now" whilst driving through Coalinga.
2:12 pm: Second bathroom stop of the day. In and Out Burger, indeed. (Sorry.)
2:43 pm: An enthusiastic wave towards Anderson's Pea Soup. Janet stares at a little kid in the lane next to us, and swears "If this little bastard doesn't avert his gaze soon, I'm gonna go all medusa on his ass." Ask Janet to put hair snakes away.
3:17 pm: Second gas-up. There is a child-like stone statue in the car next to us.
4:12 pm: Altamont pass. Tell story about being at that Stones concert, man. Remember that you aren't nearly old enough, and instead tell story about Tone Loc entering from a giant Corona bottle at Club MTV Live in Junior High School.
4:48 pm: Approaching the toll plaza at the Bay Bridge.
5:15 pm: Approaching the toll plaza at the Bay Bridge.
5:58 pm: Approaching the...oh, pay toll.
6:03 pm: Rousing rendition of "San Francisco! Open your Golden Gates!" Get furious when Golden Gates stay closed.
6:20 pm: Pull up to hotel. Realize it's the same hotel Kermit and the gang stayed at in The Great Muppet Caper, only this one isn't called Happiness. Ask for room with a view...to a kill. Argue with desk clerk that Roger Moore was the best bond, even though neither of us believe it. Clerk makes compelling case for George Lazenby. Who knew?
Thus begins my adventure in San Francisco, and three crazy weeks of SF Sketchfest, the San Francisco Comedy Festival. Won't you come see a show?