The best 4th of July EVAH!

Wow. What a 4th of July! Boy, did I cram a lot of celebrating in! The day started...like this:

8:01 am: Woke to the sound of my alarm blaring the DJ Amerika remix of Lee Greenwood's "God Bless The USA." It's just like the original version, except it's mixed against a bed of incredibly patriotic deep house beats.

8:35 am: Showered. Kept hand over heart entire time.

9:03 am: First BBQ of the day. Wheaties kept slipping through the grill, but I did not let this affect my unwavering love of country.

10:16 am: Watched "Supermarket Sweep" on the USA network. Chanted "USA! USA!" entire time the television landed on that channel.

11:12 am: Called Bill Pullman. Thanked him for being our President. Could hear him squinting over the phone.

11:45 am: Walked downtown for 4th of July parade. Took awhile to get there due to my Uncle Sam on stilts costume. Still, totally worth it.

1:15 pm: Second BBQ. Two hot dogs, with ketchup (red), onions (white), and cheese (bleu).

2:44 pm: Quickly entered myself in "Little Miss 4th of July" pageant. Lost to little porcelain blond dressed as a slice of apple pie holding two sparklers. Whatever, judges.

4:06 pm: Caught matinee of greatest film about America ever, entitled "Transformers III: Robo-Constitution." In it, it is revealed that our founding fathers were actually jive-talking robots from space that blew a lot of shit up, wrestled around, and, despite Shia Labeouf's pleads of "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!" still signed that piece of parchment making us an independent nation.

7:47 pm: Nearly missed third BBQ due to Transformers ridiculous run time, but just made it. Had hamburgers with my fatigued Army buddies, and a desert called "Semper Pie."

9:01 pm: Fireworks! Was super impressed with the show put on by Hillhurst Country Club, who spared no expense with some of the most elaborate firework designs I've ever seen, including a bald eagle, the statue of liberty, and Dane Cook bathing in freedom fries. Could have done without the last one.

9:35 pm: Stood on a balcony singing "The Star Spangled Banner" repeatedly as loud as possible, using "Next verse/same as the first/a little bit louder/and a whole lot worst" in between renditions. Caused several car accidents as the drivers lost control of their vehicles while attempting to remove their hats, stand and salute.

10:14 pm: Final BBQ of the night, followed up with some creme brulee. Beat myself severely when I discovered the desert was French.

10:55 pm: Cuddled up in my American flag-themed snuggie and turned on "The Adventures of American Rabbit," which combines three of my favorite things: bunnies, patriotism and roller-skating.

11:58 pm: Drifted off to sleep after placing one more call to Bill Pullman to ask him why he wasn't re-elected. Was able to compliment him on his work in "Mr. Wrong" before he hung up on me.

Gotta love this country!