Thursday, February 18, 2010

Arbor Day: The Movie (attention Hollywood!)

With the success of the star-studded, mindless romcom Valentine's Day, might I pitch to you, almighty Hollywood, your next smash-hit? It puts VD's cast to shame! Check it out!


The lives of many are turned-upside down on one very special Arbor Day...

Seattle, Washington (played by Vancouver, BC). A ruthless developer (Robert Duvall) and his two sons, Phil (Vince Vaughn) and Tommy (Jon Favreau) are moments away from chopping down several acres of forest to make way for a new vacation lodge. Phil's long-suffering girlfriend, Denise (Jessica Alba) is tired of his promises to settle down, and Tommy's wife, Veronica (Sarah Wynter) is frustrated by Tommy's blind devotion to his bully of a father. The owners of the to-be developed acreage, Gary and Shawnee (Tim Robbins and Sally Jesse Raphael) are so far behind on property taxes that they are forced to sell the land, and are unsure of their future. Add to the mix Gary's drunk of a father (NFL great Terry Bradshaw) and his kids from a previous marriage (Eddie Murphy, in multiple roles), and Gary's up against a wall. Fighting against the developer is a gang of woodland creatures, trying to save their home. They are led by a time-traveling otter (voiced by Will Arnett) who can't figure out how to get back to his Monterey Bay water home. There's a manic-depressive squirrel (Pauly Shore), a sassy owl (critic Pauline Kael), twin wiener dogs (Olympian Michael Phelps and musician Randy Newman), a wily fox (Matthew Lesko, the guy in the question-mark suit) and a big ol' grizzly bear (Shohreh Aghdashloo). With the help of Robert Twofeathers (Graham Greene), a wise Native American, the animals are ready to hold their own against the oncoming bulldozers. Meanwhile, the Lorax (Huey Lewis), official spokesman for the trees, pleads his case to a sympathetic official at City Hall (played by Daniel Day Lewis), who appeals to the planning commissioner (the Hamburgler), a flawed man with skeletons of his own. The commissioner sends in a band of environmental activists (Eddie Deezen, Dick Van Patten, Edward Furlong and Sigourney Weaver's Na'vi Avatar) to see if they can change the developer's mind. A local band, Freelance Bass (played by musicians Chris Cornell, Kelis, and two of the Presidents of the United States of America), decide to stage a fund-raising concert to save the land. A wealthy philanthropist (George Clooney), in town to visit his ex-wife (Sheena Easton), catches a few minutes of the band's set and is intrigued. As he crosses to compliment them, he is hit by a bus driven by haggard old Mr. Pryor (Sam Elliot). Shocked, the bus comes to a stop, and the passengers (Lisa Ling, Stephen Furst, Ronaldo, Terri Hatcher, Ray Park, Grape Ape, Timothy Busfield, Wiley Wiggins, Ms. Pac-Man, Harriet Tubman, Dustin Diamond, Brian Cranston, Mo Gaffney, Darryl Strawberry, Stephen Fry, Garth Brooks, Don Quixote, Loren Dean, Shannyn Sossamon, Berry Gordy, Catfish Hunter, Christopher McDonald, Mia Hamm, Geraldo Rivera, Winn-Dixie and The Goo-Goo Dolls) all rush to his aid. Is it too late to save the forest, on Arbor Day? Only one man knows...Zeus (Ian Ziering), has been watching from the heavens, unsure if he will intervene or not. His daughter, Athena (Markie Post) urges him to take action, while his son, Ares (Stephen J. Cannell), advises him to let it play out. Will all of these story lines come together in a satisfying way? You'll have to see it to find out!

Produced by Scott Rudin and the estate of F. Scott Fitzgerald. Written by Studs Terkel, based on the graphic novel by Aaron Sorkin and Arthur Ashe. Directed by Emilio Estevez. Music by Tangerine Dream featuring 50-Cent and Simon Lebon.

Make it happen, movie factories!


  1. LOL
    Your mind is truly a strange and wonderful thing.
    I have to give extra kudos for mentions of the Lorax (hopefully the Lufted variety), Mo Gaffney, and Markie Post.
    Well done, indeed.

    May I suggest an alternate tag line?
    Arbor Day: Got Wood?

  2. You forgot Jack Johnson. Otherwise, well played.

  3. Well, I'm in. When do I camp out for tickets and what color do I paint my face?

  4. I will not only pay to see this, I will also order both the pan-and-scan and widescreen, as well as any Criterion editions that are released.

    You're a genius.

    Also, Sam Elliott is good in everything.

  5. Good use of Cooper Black.