AUTO-TUNED FETUS TO OPEN FOR JUSTIN BIEBER
Fifteen-year-old pop star hearthrob Justin Bieber announced today that a yet-unnamed fetus will be his opening act on a twenty-two city tour this summer. "Currently, he/she is only about 3 months old, so they haven't selected a name yet," said Bieber, "But, daaaaamn, it's, like, the schizznit." Tour technicians plan to use sonogram footage on the amphitheatre screens during the young artist's opening set, with a sensitive shure sm57 microphone on the expectant mother's belly. The fetus' first single, "Back Thiz Womb UP," drops next month.
SARAH PALIN TO WRITE NEW BOOK ON HAND
Part-time politician and full-time Russia-viewer Sarah Palin announced today that her new memoir, tentatively titled "Sarah Palin Could Have Been in Monty Python If Her Name Was Michael," will be entirely written on the back of her hand. "The best writers use whatever kind of thing they feel most comfortable writing on. I think Kerouac used an old Remington Rand typewriter, and, oh you know, look, there's a bear!" said Palin, in a statement issued from her Alaskan home. Currently, there are no plans by anyone to buy this book.
KOBE BRYANT SURPRISES SELF BY PASSING
NBA superstar Kobe Bryant shocked a full house at Staples Center Wednesday night when he dished the ball off to "teammate" Pau Gasol. Gasol, stunned, drop the ball and ran to the bench, the color draining from his face. The entire Minnesota Timberwolves team stopped playing defense, and officials seems noticeably disturbed. "I don't know what came over me," said Bryant. "They were quadruple-teaming me, and I had already dribbled around for about twenty seconds, and I spied, like, four yellow Lakers jerseys by themselves. I guess the ball just slipped out, or it's a full-moon, or something." Bryant plans to run a full-page ad in tomorrow's Los Angeles Times, apologizing to the organization and fans, and promising to never do it again. He finished with 102 points, in the Lakers 102-96 win.
JOHN MAYER'S PENIS TO ATTEND SENSITIVITY TRAINING SEMINAR
In an unusual turn of events, the self-proclaimed "white supremacist" celebrity penis of blues guitarist and "stand-up comedian" John Mayer has entered into a support group that teaches about appropriate behavior in the workplace and diversity. "Me hump anything that moves," said the penis, adding "Me been in many movie stars, and me be in many more. Why me discriminate? What, me no hump Halle Berry if possibility? What me thinking? Me equal-opportunity poker." Mayer plans to write an apology song, with lyrics, once sung, that will be impossible to understand.
JAY LENO BIGGER DICK THAN JOHN MAYER
Ten p.m. failure Jay Leno admitted to a packed press room at the Hollywood Hiatt Tuesday morning that every ten seconds, he buys a sports car and adds "ya know!" to the end of every joke he's ever written. "What can I say, it's just what I do. Hey, can I interview some of you on the street and make you look stupid so I can feel better about myself?" asked Leno, in a high-pitched squeal that sent all dogs scrambling from the hotel.
DIRK THE DARING COMES OUT ON NEW VH1 SURREAL WORLD
Popular animated video game character Dirk the Daring, the hero in the successful "Dragon's Lair" game, came out to his new celebrity housemates in the season premiere of the VH1's Surreal World. "I'm surprised you all didn't know," said a stunned Dirk, "Other knights wore dark chain mail, and I was simply ravishing in my red and gold tunic." Joining Dirk on the show are Levar Burton, the ghost of Falco, Scott Schwartz, Gandalf (the gray), the "Where's the Beef?" lady, Fievel Mousekewitz and Ann Magnuson.
DONALD TRUMP TO TRY OUT NEW CATCHPHRASE
Multi-bijillionaire Donald Trump announced today that he will be trying out a series of new catch phrases this season on his Celebrity Apprentice show. Said Trump: "I've had a ton of fun with, 'You're Fired,' but that ship has sailed, baby." New phrases rumored to be bandied about: "You're no longer in my employ," "Look, you've done a decent job here, but our synergy isn't there, ok, so don't make this any harder than it is," and "Up your nose with a rubber hose."
DENNIS HOPPER TO PLAY NORMAL PERSON IN NEW MOVIE
Kooky psychotic character actor Dennis Hopper is set to play John Henderson, a dental hygienist with absolutely no irregular tendencies, in the drama "D.D.S.," slated for production this spring. "I know, I know, this is going to be a tough one for me," said Hopper, taking a hit from a giant helium tank. "When I read the script, I was like, that's all good, but when does he make a coat out of a hooker, or dress up like Isabella Rossellini, or eat babies, or something? Then I realized this was going to take a lot of research on my part." Playing opposite of Hopper, as a psychotic transgendered serial killer, is reliable everyman John Ratzenberger.
CAPTAIN RON TO RECEIVE 3-D THEATRICAL RE-RELEASE
Beloved(?) 80's nautical comedy "Captain Ron" has been unearthed from the Hollywood Pictures vault and given a 3-D overhaul, helmed by "Avatar" creator James Cameron. Says Cameron: "When I first saw the script for the movie, I cautioned director Thom Eberhardt. I said, 'The technology isn't there yet, just wait for it,' but he didn't. Now I think we're finally there and can do this tale justice." The studio has announced a June 15th release date, which pits the picture against the 3-D re-release of "The Gun in Betty Lou's Handbag."
Those watching "The View" yesterday morning were treated to an unusual unscripted moment when, during an argument about same-sex marriage, Walters split open revealing a dark spectre, who rose toward the ceiling and pointed a long bony finger towards ex-Survivor and right-wing nut Hasselbeck. "I'll see you in Hell, Haaaaaaaaaselbeck!" it proclaimed, disappearing from the studio, leaving it's Walters shell behind, slumped on the floor. Order was quickly restored when quipster Whoopi Goldberg made a joke related to her Oscar turn in the hit film "Ghost."
*all gossip is a figment of my imagination, and not intended to be slanderous in any way. So lighten up, celebrities!