With Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen already enjoying boffo business at the box office (Grimlock, pictured above, is my favorite of my childhood Transformers, and I am assuming will be absent from the second film), it seems inevitable that Hollywood will return once again to the seemingly endless well of crap I used to play with. There's been movies in the works for years of Thundercats and Voltron, and I'm sure we'll see big-screen treatments of marginal toys in the years to come. May I make some suggestions, tinsel town? How 'bout...
M.A.S.K.: The Movie
Sure, we already learned that Illusion is the Ultimate Weapon in everyone's favorite Bryan Brown/Brian Dennehy flicks F/X, but let's give this one a shot. Based on a series of toys in which vehicles turned into...other vehicles...M.A.S.K. has a built in following (and not just the people who worked for Kenner Toys!). Here's a plot and some casting:
Uh-oh. Miles Mayhem (Stacy Keach) and his Evil Network of Mayhem are at it again. Who will stop him? How about Mobile Armored Strike Kommand (umm...MASK)! Led by the fearless Matt Tracker (Thomas "Tom" Jane) and his sidekick Bruce Sato (Ken Leung), who drive Rhino, a mack truck that turns into mobile defense unit as well as a car/jet combo, the rest of the team includes Condor (Motorcycle/Chopper) pilot Brad Turner (Johnny Galecki); Gator (Jeep/Boat) driver Dusty Hayes (Thomas Haden Church); and Hondo Maclean (Idris Elba), behind the wheel of Hurricane, a '57 Chevy/Tank. But as Mayhem closes in on Boulder Hill, MASK's gas station/armored base, will Tracker and company have enough to win the day? And just whose side is dune buggy/plane Firefly owner Julio Lopez (Lou Diamond Phillips) on, anyway?
BATTLE BEASTS: THE BEGINNING
These highly-evolved fighting wildlife stand upright and (depending upon the "element" on their chest) square off against each other. Will Orangutan (Timothy Hutton) and his "water" stand a chance against Shark (William H. Macy) and his "wood?" Where will Giselle (Amy Yasbeck) and her "fire" factor into all this? And will anyone figure out that a toy company made us pay serious money to basically play rock, paper, scissors?
M.U.S.C.L.E.: THE MOTION PICTURE
It's true--there are Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking Everywhere. The greatest of them--a wrestling champion known only as Super Muscle Man (Powers Boothe)--has his only son, tiny announcer guy (one of those Zach and Cody kids...I don't care which one) kidnapped by the Evil Buffaloman (NFL star Jason Taylor) and must compete in a Battle Royale to save his son. In his way are Buffalo's tough "Cosmic Crunchers" wrestling team, played by Charles Fleischer, Danny Trejo and Jason Statham. Can Super Muscle Man win the day...and his son's love?
SECTAURS: WARRIORS OF SYMBION (IN IMAX 3D INSECT-A-RAMA)
Somewhere in space...somewhere in time...on the planet Symbion, a controversial genetic experiment is taking place, led by charismatic scientist (Jimmy Fallon). When something goes terribly wrong, insects and arachnids start to grow to enormous sizes, and two new kingdoms are created, who immediately start warring with each other. On one side is Prince Dargon (Matthew Lillard), who rules the peaceful Shining Realm of Prosperon. On the other is Empress Devora (Nicole Richie), who rules the aggresive Dark Domain of Synax. As Devora quests for the Hyves, containing the "ultimate power," will Dargon and his forces be able to stop her? Also starring Louis Gossett Jr., Timothy Olyphant and Matt LeBlanc.
MADBALLS: MADE AS HELL AND NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE
Mutated spongy projectiles (voiced by Fran Drescher, Frank Welker, Marc Price and John Leguizamo) threaten the earth. Can one lone little boy (the other Zach and Cody kid, whichever one isn't in that M.U.S.C.L.E. movie) and his enchanted baseball bat (with the voice talents of Will Arnett) send them back into outer space where they belong? The film will also feature the second big screen appearance of Mikhail Gorbachev, who appeared in Wim Wenders' Faraway, So Close.
C'mon Hollywood--get crackin!