MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY'S SHIRTS TO STRIKE ON WEDNESDAY
Ultra-tanned romcom star Matthew McConaughey was surprised to find out that his entire collection of tops had unionized and were planning to strike this coming Wednesday. According to Shirt spokesman Three-button Burgundy Polo, the upperwear were "tired of being under utilized or completely ignored altogether." After seeing a lilac American Apparel summer shirt ripped in half and discarded after a furious bout of McConaughey's bongo playing, the tees decided that action had to be taken. "There are many, many celebs that should NEVER be seen without a top on, such as Dustin Diamond," said an old Threadless shirt with a helvetica slogan reading Boner Patrol. "If Matt isn't going to don us, someone else will."
ROBERT PATTINSON'S HAIR TO RECEIVE TOP BILLING IN NEWEST TWILIGHT FILM
Hunky semi-actor Robert Pattinson, who rose to fame after being killed by Voldemort and becoming a brooding, sparkly vamp in the film adaptation of Twilight, negotiated top-billing for his towering coif in the upcoming Twilight New Moon. "My hair really anchored my performance in that film, and I feel it would be unfair to deny it the celebrity it richly deserves," says Pattinson, who commented for this article from a vacuum where no teenage girls can be heard screaming. "Looking down and brooding was all me, but everything else, well, that was the hair." Kristin Stewart, who plays his pale depressed love interest Bella, is still attempting to secure billing for her "shitty attitude."
STUDY REVEALS DAVE COULIER IMPETUS FOR EVERY SONG EVER WRITTEN
Results of a twenty year study conducted by the Institute of Meaning in Song, or IOMIS, were released online today, confirming what many always suspected--that Full House star and occasional Jackalope Dave Coulier was the inspiration for every piece of music ever created. "We had confirmed the Alanis Morrisette thing pre-study, of course," said IOMIS lead researcher Harvey Freunlichen, "But as we delved deeper into our studies, Coulier's influence on all other works couldn't be denied." As soon as the results became public, hundreds of reknowned songwriters publicly acknowledged Coulier as songwriting inspirado. "I might not have known it at the time, but [hit ballad] 'Alison' was totally about Uncle Joey, I can see that now," said bespectacled troubadour Elvis Costello. Added Lenny Kravitz, "Duh."
GARFIELD TO RECONSIDER POSITION ON "MONDAYS"
Lazy cartoon cat Garfield, famous for his love of lasagna and sleeping and hatred of Odie and Nermal, was overheard casually remarking to sadsack owner Jon that "Mondays really aren't all that bad. I mean, it's just a day. Sorry I smashed the alarm clock again." Notes Jon: "I don't buy that for a second. Next week I'll try to rouse him, and he'll just pour coffee on me again or kick Odie off the table. Man...I just realized what an asshole my cat is."
DANE COOK ALMOST FINDS JOKE
Serendity almost struck "comedian" Dane Cook at a gig last Thursday at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood, CA. Midway through his set, whilst talking about Hypercolor shirts and other things that he remembers from ten to twenty years ago, Cook found himself approaching an actual punchline. "I saw it there, just floating in the ether," says Cook. "But the closer I got to it, zeroing in on that elusive genuine funny moment, it suddenly disappeared." Cook instead went to his go-to "crouch low to the ground, then kick the air and pace frantically," which delighted many frat boys in backwards baseball caps who were waiting for the roofies in their dates' drinks to kick-in.
DANCING WITH THE STARS TO TRY ALL INDIE-STAR EDITION ON IFC
ABC staple and ratings juggernaut Dancing With The Stars will host a short summer edition of the show on cable's Independent Film Channel, featuring a lineup of some of the greatest indie film actors displaying their low-budget charms on the dance floor. Host Tom Bergeron just gushed about the possibilities: "Man, you haven't lived 'til you've seen Catherine Keener do a samba. Or Kevin Corrigan foxtrot. Just wait until Sam Rockwell and Hope Davis pair up for a sizzling tango!" The season will also feature Liev Schreiber, Michael Rappaport, Lily Taylor, and that weird kid who played Gummo.
JEFF FOXWORTHY CAUGHT READING NEITZSCHE
Fans of Blue Collar comedian Jeff Foxworthy were shocked to see video leaked on YouTube showing the everyman comic sitting on a park bench reading Friedrich Neitzsche's Thus Spoke Zarathustra. "It done makes me sad," said longtime fan Clem Puddlebook, "Dat der guy was a' one of us. 'N now, he buh-leeves in eternal recurrence n' meaningless berry-ation. That there guy would have us buh-leeve in a' chaotic, pointless shufflin' of mattah n' law. 'Nuff said." Foxworthy bombed later that evening at the Nashville Chuckle Hut with his new "You might be an existentialist if..." jokes.
*Works of pure fiction from my hardly-functioning mind, so no slander intended. So don't be mad, celebs!*