Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Excuse me, society...we're monsters too, you know. Who do you gotta maul around here...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all know about Bigfoot. He got his own movie with John Lithgow. And the Loch Ness Monster...and the Chupacabra, the Boogey Man, Dracula, Wolfman, Lagoon creatures, etc. But there are OH SO many more monsters out there, just struggling to get the monstrous recognition they deserve. There are documented "reports" of all of these creatures on-line at ask.com. So would you do them a favor, and think about THEM the next time something goes bump in the night? Please?

Instead of dwelling on Frankenstein, maybe think about...

LITTLE FAT SHADOW BEINGS. Tiny, round Buddha-like shadow creatures. According to "J. Santana," they come through your window while you are sleeping and hang out. Before that, they came from a handful of white orbs that flew down from the heavens. They have been reported in Arizona. You can run....but can you run from your own little fat shadow?

Or have terrible, terrible nightmares of the horror that are OWL PEOPLE. Says "Claudia C.," these terrors are approximately six feet tall, with large round eyes. They stopped by Claudia's van in San Diego where she was relaxing with "a couple of beers." Still, to this day, no one knows what they want. But, man, can you not be creeped out by these nocturnal bird people with fully-rotating heads?

Holy snikes! Is that the dreaded TRIANGLE MAN? The gaunt, skinny, night-visitor with a face shaped like a triangle that used to sit at the edge of "Corrinne M.'s" bed, during her childhood. Sure, she hasn't seen him sense, but would you want to? I mean, HE DOES THE THINGS THAT A TRIANGLE CAN. *shudder*

Oh no! Can it be true? Has THE DUENDE a.k.a. THE GNOME OF MEXICO been spying on kids on trampolines again? That's what happened to young "Mister X," who's pitbull started barking at the terribly tiny elf-like creature. The Duende did what any Duende would do--hid in the bushes. Duende's are awful, but they are not stupid--is there a Duende hiding in your bushes? Do you have the nerve to check? Do ya, punk?

Is...is...is it THE CREATURE OF THE DUMP? That's what "Paula M." saw on one balmy summer afternoon at an Oregon junkyard. A fuzzy, brown, burrowing worm-like creature with NO DISCERNIBLE EYES, NOSE OR MOUTH. Nothing freaks me out like the featureless. 

Do you have the courage to look away from a PHANTOM KANGAROO? Like the one said to be haunting San Francisco's Golden Gate Park since the 1980s? Marsupials are frightening to begin with (that...pouch...eaeaeaeaggghghghgh), but can you even imagine one that can appear and disappear at will? 

Maybe the most terrifying of all is THE POPOBAWA, a cyclops dwarf with bat-like wings that terrorizes the island of Zanzibar off the coast of Africa. According to X-Project mag, this creature is particularly feared for its habit of "sodomizing men in their sleep." Imagine waking to a back-door burrowing by a myopic winged little dude...that's almost a freaky as...

THE BIG MUDDY MONSTER, who has been quickening the pulses of the citizens of Murphysboro, Illinois since 1973. A large, eight-foot tall creature covered in mud and hair, thought to be related to Bigfoot or Robin Williams. 

MONSTERS! So...many...monsters!

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