Dr. Feelgood or How I Learned to Stop Worrying And Love Karaoke

Yup. I'm addicted to Karaoke (that's me above, racing through The Proclaimers' "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)") And as someone who revels in the chance to serenade complete strangers with '90s modern rock hits, there's definitely some guidelines that would make the entire experience more pleasant for everyone. So please...let's try to follow them, shall we?

Dudes: Please don't try to sing Journey

You are not Steve Perry. You just aren't. If you select "Don't Stop Believin'" we're not gonna hear a word you sing anyway, as that's the universal "everyone wail at the top of your lungs whilst enjoying an alcoholic beverage of choice" song. And if you decide to try out a Journey classic, please be like MST3K's Michael J. Nelson and sing it a couple octaves lower. 'Cuz that's hilarious.

Please keep your selections under 4 minutes

Seriously. We don't need your "refreshing take" on Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" or The Doors' "The End." Yes, I've been guilty of taking on Radiohead's "Paranoid Android," but that's on a slow night. If you can kill it, like truly go all Adam Lambert on it and slay it, we may be more forgiving. But for 95% of you, the mere start of "American Pie" will cause my drink to become a projectile.

The following songs will always cause the audience (i.e. me) to do the corresponding actions:

Proceed with caution!

"Santeria" by Sublime = a swift kick to the groin

"I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor = a slow kick to the groin

"No Woman No Cry" by Bob Marley = a medically prescribed kick to the groin

"Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond = a beer in one hand/overdramatic fist in the air kick to the groin

"November Rain" by Guns n' Roses = a long awaited, shitty, sold only at Best Buy kick to the groin

"Nothings Gonna Stop Us Now" by Starship = a "you only come to life at night in the window display and are then romanced by Andrew McCarthy" kick to the groin

"Me and Bobby McGee" by Janis Joplin = a Jackie Jormp-Jomp kick to the groin

"Purple Rain" by Prince = a kick to the artist formerly known as your groin

"Regulate" by Warren G = a kick to the groin that isn't so much yours as a sample of someone else's kick to the groin

The following songs may be rewarded by the audience (i.e. me) with the corresponding treats:

"Rhinestone Cowboy" by Glen Campbell = two Lik-M-Aid sticks

"At This Moment" by Billy Vera and the Beaters = $5 and a slow dance with Tracy Pollan

"Ghostbusters" by Ray Parker, Jr. = a Hi-C Ecto Cooler Juicebox

"She's Like The Wind" by Patrick Swayze = your baby moved away from the corner

"The Weight" by The Band = a pair of Levon Helm's underwear (DON'T ASK)

"Pump It Up" by Elvis Costello = a worn out pair of Shawn Kemp edition Reebok Pumps

"Mama Said Knock You Out" by L.L. Cool J = a VHS copy of The Hard Way

"Lightning Crashes" by Live = a Gummi Placenta (ewwww...)

Obey the Creed creed

(Repeat after me)

I ____________ (fill in your name here),

Do solemnly swear

That I will never, ever, ever

Even CONSIDER

let alone SING

a "song" by Creed

while at Karaoke.

If I do

I understand

that I will most likely die

of a Scott Stapp-Infection.

As long as we all do our part and follow the above rules, things should go smoothly. The above rules may only be broken if the karaoke is happening in a private room. Except for the Creed one.