STING BORED BY SELF
Multi-Grammy winning recording artist Sting, once front man of '80s trio The Police, complained to employees of a San Diego Starbucks of the in-store music before realizing it was a track off of his own "Mercury Falling" album. Sting was heard muttering, "When did I go all adult-contemp?" as he shuffled out of the coffee chain. In related reports, a source at city hall says he has submitted a change of name form, requesting the new moniker "Stung." All of this after an altercation Sting got into with himself outside a London pub, where he attempted to kick his own ass for making a lute album.
LINDSAY LOHAN TO WATCH "FRAGGLE ROCK"
Fresh off her separation from girlfriend Samantha Ronson, Lohan has finally freed up the time to watch episodes of childhood favorite "Fraggle Rock." Says Lohan: "The Season 1 DVD has just been staring at me from the bookshelf. I totally miss Wembley and Boober...Gobo, not so much." Reports that Ronson refused to watch the show because the doozers "creep the shit out of me" cannot be confirmed at this time.
PEREZ HILTON SURPRISES SELF, DECIDES TO RUN UNALTERED PHOTO OF KIM KARDASHIAN
Gossip king Perez Hilton, famous for his x-rated doodles on pictures of celebs on his popular blog, couldn't believe it himself when he decided to just post a normal shot of sex-tape queen Kim Kardashian in an upcoming post. "My first instinct was to draw a jet fighter with a giant penis shooting semen towards her face," says Hilton, "Then I thought about a cock rowboat with penis paddles, replacing the chair in the picture. Somehow, it just all seemed frivolous and I decided to have some journalistic integrity and just run it as-is." In order to compensate, Hilton has added some extra penii to a pic of some Biggest Loser contestants.
KATIE COURIC ENJOYS TACO TUESDAYS
Not much to this one...she just really likes themed food days rife with alliteration.
ALEX RODRIGUEZ TO START RELATIONSHIP WITH MARTIKA
Bored with pop star and recent flame Madonna, New York Yankees 3rd Baseman Alex Rodriguez announced at a press conference Wednesday morning that he plans to court '80s one hit wonder Martika. "I really liked that Toy Soldiers song, and I remember her from that Kids Incorporated show," said Rodriguez,"If she thinks she's too good for Arod, well, she's probably right." Reports indicate that Rodriguez has not ruled out Tiffany or, in a shocking twist, Rico Suave crooner Gerardo.
JUDD APATOW TO START PRODUCTION ON WESTERN WITH LOTS OF TALK ABOUT HUMPING
"Knocked Up" and "40 Year Old Virgin" scribe and director Judd Apatow has begun work on a fact-based Western, tentatively titled "Billy the Kid's Kid." Apatow told reporters that the film follows notorious outlaw William H. Bonney and his gang of regulators, who get more than they bargained for when Billy knocks up his occasional partner, Clara Bow. "It's like 5 men and a baby," said Apatow, who promises to pull no punches with his frank sexual dialogue. The film is set to star Apatow regulars Jason Segel as Billy, Seth Rogen as Doc Scurlock, Martin Starr as Chavez Y Chavez, Samm Levine as Dick Brewer, Jonah Hill as Dirty Steve Stephens, Paul Rudd as Charley Bowdre, and Leslie Mann as Clara Bow.
STEVE BUSCEMI FORGETS HOW TO PRONOUNCE OWN NAME
A tearful Steve Buscemi, best known for his work in indie films like "Reservoir Dogs" and "In the Soup," addressed a somber press room Tuesday afternoon, announcing that he isn't sure how to pronounce his own name. "I was pretty damned sure it was Boo-sha-mee," he said, "But the other day I started saying Boo-ski-mee, which is pretty different. Even Bus-she-ma, which I know isn't even close." Buscemi asked reports to respect his privacy while he sorts things out. A candlelight vigil is being held tonight at 9pm outside of Pink's hot dogs on Melrose.
*All of the above is a product of my overactive imagination, and not at all defamation, okey dokey?