Monday, March 30, 2009

Legends of the Hidden Temple (a.k.a. THE most complicated bonus round for kids, ever)

It's not everyday you get to hear the sentence, "Olmec--Lecretia and Sean have proven themselves worthy and now have earned the right to enter your temple." But thanks to Nickelodeon's priceless kids adventure game show from the 80's and 90's, Legends of the Hidden Temple, it's more commonplace than you would think. Embedded here is one of the "temple runs," (basically your bonus round) for the winners of this particular episode, concerning the Legend of The Trojan Horseshoe. Only thing is, it's possibly the hardest and most complicated bonus round in the history of game shows (watch, and yee shall see). Here is how I would have drawn it up, if I was them...

You could start by running to the room of the 3 Gargoyles. Locate the Gargoyle with an original Betamax copy of La Bamba and rotate his head counterclockwise six times, until one of three doors opens. Choose wisely, as two of the doors lead to a long, drawn out intervention with your alcoholic Uncle Gary.

Or maybe you could make your way to the Observatory, where you must correctly assemble a Dobsonion Telescope, sans instructions. Be wary! In addition to primary and secondary mirrors, Spider and Diagonal Holders, Helical Focuser, Finder Scope and Eyepiece, we've mixed in several hundred stray parts from the engine of a '57 Chevy Mustang and covered everything in Smucker's Boysenberry Jam.

Brave adventurers may find themselves in the Jam Arena, a cavernous outdoor amphitheatre, where they must join the Dave Matthews Band onstage and correctly mimic every drum fill by Carter Beauford on the song "Two Step," only backwards, while trying to answer online security questions about their old AOL accounts.

Don't give up! Next, shimmy down the Treacherous Wall of Shattered Glass into the Rapid Ravine, where you must battle a 35 mph current while teaching Hebrew to an anti-Semitic turtle. As soon as he's mastered 40 simple-ish phrases and worked through his personal issues causing his abhorrent racism, it's on to the Vat of Shrimp, where you must play a game of "Global Thermonuclear War" against Timothy Busfield. Once you've won two out of three, help him program a simple DOS-based text adventure with thirteen endings, type in "GOTO 10" and wait for the door to the next room to open.

You're almost there! Just run through the Acid Waterfall into Daniel Day-Lewis' Method Cobbler Shop, where you'll help the Oscar-winning actor make a pair of Alligator Loafers. If the shoes get the approval of the Shoemaster General, return them to DDL and try to tell him with a straight face that you thought "There Will Be Blood was hilarious." If he believes you, blow his mind my telling him you were "acting," and he will present you with a jet pack to take you to the top of the temple. Grab the box of old comics your parents really want to you to try to sell or throw out, and race back seven miles to the start.

Do all this in less then three minutes, and you'll receive these great prizes!
--A Sony Walkman. Choose from three great colors! Yellow, Fuschia or Original!
--An assortment of shirts from Hypercolor. Hypercolor--sweat out some fashion!
--A lifetime supply of BubbleTape. Yum!
--Old Rollerblades. Skate it out!

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