Saturday, March 21, 2009

Life's little lessons: How to beat a photo enforced intersection

Yeah, those photo enforced intersections sure are tricky. Sure, it helps cut down on people knowingly running red lights, but sometimes you just get caught at the last second, and it's a ticket in the neighborhood of $300. Here's a few pointers that can help you beat the rap, should you incur a photographic violation:

--Pretend you are sneezing. If you find yourself about to get caught, fake a sneezing fit. There's no possible way you can be fully in control of your faculties when that happens, and the judge will have to throw it out.

--Put a mannequin dressed as a masked kidnapper in the front seat. If you are ordered by an unknown assailant to keep going, how could you possibly refuse the request when you're life is on the line? Be sure to make up a good back story as to why you never called the police--"He said he'd be watching," "He knows how to curve bullets!," etc.

--Keep a werewolf mask in the car. When you are about to get your photo snapped, throw that bad boy over your face. When the photos show up, just tell the judge that "that's clearly not me, it's a werewolf." Then insist, "Even if it is me, I can't remember it, due to the full on wolf-out." If your court date corresponds with a full moon, be sure to overdramatically insist "LOCK ME UP! LOCK ME UP!" for one night. 

--Grow a goatee. Shave it before you go before the judge, and insist that it's not you behind the wheel, but "my evil doppelganger." If he's not buying it, thrown on a pair of specs and coyly ask "You wouldn't fine a guy in glasses, would ya?"

--Attach a giant fake T-Rex head coming in from your sun roof. Tell the judge you wanted to stop for the red light, but couldn't, knowing the T-Rex's vision is based on movement and the tiniest move of your right foot to apply pressure to the brake would be enough to make you a dino snack. 

--Completely change your identity. Sell everything you own to free up travel money. Burn all of your old identification (although this can be taxing, be reminded of Arnold Swarzenegger's stirring speech to Vanessa Williams in the film Eraser about that stuff just being "credit cards and pictures" and not the real you). See this guy I know down on Pico known as "The Engraver" to forge you new documents. Buy a ticket to South America and start a new life working in a Coca-Cola bottling factory. Keep a low profile and never return to the United States, but sleep soundly with the knowledge that you'll never have to pay for that photo ticket.

Next little life lesson: How to beat an employment drug test while remaining higher than Gary Busey.  


  1. Great site... the alien thing was prob my favorite. Do more Rifftrax!

  2. This is the best traffic advice I have ever received, thank you! :-)

  3. ...I think the sneezing one would actually work. I found your blog through Twitter tonight and I've been reading through it—you are one funny guy.

    Next time I accidentally run a red light, I'll try the sneezing thing and let you know how it turns out. *grin*