Top of the mornin' to ya!
We've got quite a bit planned on this saintiest of St. Paddy's Days, so let's stick to the schedule, shall we? Here goes:
7:00 am: Rise. Add green food coloring to morning Boost energy shake. Drink it, while enjoying "Put on Your Shit Kickers" from House of Pain's "Shamrocks and Shenanigans." Don't listen to "Jump Around." That's too easy.
7:12 am: Shower. Repeat "You'll never get me pot o' gold!" over and over while you wait for your conditioner to take effect. Change into green crushed velvet suit. Add plastic green derby. Attach pin that says, "Ask me about kissing my Blarney Stone."
7:43 am: First Guinness of the day.
7:47 am: Annual screening of Disney's bizarre classic Darby O' Gill and the Little People. Sing along with Sean Connery on "Pretty Irish Girl." Be legitimately scared by the film's banshee.
9:22 am: Second Guinness of the day.
9:29 am: Go for a morning jog, but in your festive attire. Greet onlookers with "Fitness first! Fitness first!"
10:15 am: Wander into TJ O'Shaunessey's Bar and Saloon, just in time to hear The Pogues' "Lullaby of New York." Weep openly, over your third Guinness of the day. Revel in camaraderie.
11:35 am: Enter Patrick Malone's Bar and Restaurant for some corned beef, cabbage and boil potatoes. Affect a terrible Irish accent for entire meal, and talk often about potato famine.
1:05 pm: Visit James Joyce Middle School and enter annual St. Patrick's Day Spelling Bee. Lose badly when asked to spell "Shillelagh." Knock over the podium while muttering about "bourgeoisie bullshit."
3:10 pm: Fourth Guinness of the day.
3:20 pm: Find your closest PetCo or PetSmart, and banish all of the snakes from it. Return the snakes to the wild while tearfully shouting "Go on, boy! We don't want you here! Just...go on!"
4:53 pm: Fifth and sixth Guinnesses of the day.
5:10 pm: Swear you see a Banshee, lurking around the park. Accept the old lady's wrapped hard candy and let her continue walking her tiny dog.
5:30 pm: Return home for a bit of a pit stop. Watch John Wayne's Irish classic The Quiet Man, and start a random fist fight that lasts a couple of miles on your way to your next bar, Thomas Murphy's Bottomless Pint.
8:05 pm: Drink first Harp of the day to show your versatility.
8:15 pm: Begin drunken sing along of "Danny Boy." Bar gets momentarily somber.
8:20 pm: Seventh Guinness of the day. Allow for ten minute bout of dry heaving and/or vomiting.
8:43 pm: Impress everyone at the bar with your impression of Brad Pitt's terrible Irish accent from the trailer of The Devil's Own. Repeat the lines "Are ye from Belfast? Aye!" and "I need that money, Thom!" over and over.
9:03 pm: Wander out on the avenue in search of a quick bite to eat. When you find none, decide that Guinness is "basically a grain" and drink your eighth and ninth. Find yourself near the harbor.
9:17 pm: Impulsively steal a small dingy boat and start paddling out to sea. Read aloud from your pocket paperback by John O'Keefe, but abandon it and start orating dirty limericks instead.
10:03 pm: Cower in terror at the banshee floating above you. Throw full Guinness at the spectre, who then disappears. Mourn the loss of your tenth Guinness.
10:46 pm: Wake up when a glass of water is thrown over you in the stock room of Thomas Murphy's Bottomless Pint. Swear the barmaid is "an angel sent from the heavens" when she drags you out to a cab. Be puzzled when she takes offense that you think "she kind of looks like Judge Reinhold."
11:03 pm: Arrive home. Plop down on the couch and put on Van Morrison's "Astral Weeks." Remark over and over how good it sounds on vinyl.
11:43 pm: Final Guinness of the night, though you are slightly bummed you didn't make your baker's dozen.
11:59 pm: Change into U2 pajamas (discounted variety as they only have Larry Mullen Jr. on them). Fall asleep at the computer while looking at dudes on the Internet.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!