Whatever happened to the AHS High Senior class of 1971? I've got the scoop!

Using Advanced CBT*, I've been able to find out just what those rascals from AHS Senior High have been up to since they graduated in 1971. So, in a nutshell:

Gwen Bryan is a freelance writer of soup labels currently living in upstate New York. You may have read her work on such labels as Campbell's Cooking Healthy Italian Wedding Soup or Progresso's Aztec Meatball and Seasonal Vegetable Stew.

Mike Burton sells various Groundhog Day paraphernalia in Punxsutawney, Penn.

Jack Caldwell was Kurt Russell's photo double and stand in on Disney Live Action films, starting with The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes and ending with The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes.

Lynn Calhoun and her brother, Troy Calhoun, started their own discount clown supplies superstore, Calhoun & Calhoun's Clown Emporium. It is the scariest place on earth.

Marie Carmichael is a rhinestone cowboy.

David Carter died tragically in a scrapbooking accident. He donated his giant ears to science.

Debbie Cave is a commercial jingle writer, living in Sacramento, CA. Her jingle hits include "By Menon," "Na-bis-co" and "Merry Christmas, From Payless."

John Chaney couldn't live in the shadow of his famous grandfather, Lon Chaney. He's currently cowering in a bell tower.

Millie Combs writes a series of best-selling children's books about a magical tugboat with rickets.

Mark Cooper drank from the fountain of youth and looks exactly the same now as in his picture. He is the hipster asshole currently thumbing through vinyl in front of you at Amoeba Music.

Debra Corley used to date the Zodiac Killer, or so she says.

Celester Cox has been trying to find her parents her entire life, mostly to ask them how they decided on the name "Celester."

Debbie Crawford is a professional drag queen hair model.

Cindy Davis moved to Anaheim, CA shortly after high school and became the highest paid "Disney Cast Member" ever at Disneyland. Her "Goofy" is the model to which all suitwearers since aspire.

Doris Davis is a certified Scuba instructor in Maui. She has three giant Samoan kids, who take turns programming her DVR for her, because she just doesn't get it.

and Mark Davis became lead keys player in seminal punk jazz folk fusion band "Big Ol' Fats and the Chunky Five." He left the band in '81 when his rapid weight loss caused creative tension in the group. 

Go class of AHS!

*Complete Bullshit Technology